Lamentation: Of Wrong Arrests and Accusations - A Memoir by Ruby The Merchant (1)
Good day to you, Sirs and Madams! Out of all the things that men have asked of me (before they go about touching my titties), the most common has been why I've had to grapple with fat and burly men is metal suits, when all I sell is jewelry, and to a lesser extent, herbs. Fret not! I now produce a written account of my unfortunate arrests and accusations! Framed? Probably! And it's always because of an Oswald! The account is not in chronological order, mind you! Why, you ask? Why, because I feel like it, good sir! Never ask a woman such dull questions! Right then, here we go! Wrong Arrest #1 - Intellectual Idiots These brings back such distasteful memories, I'm sure. There was once when I arrived in Luxidi, having returned from the Eastern lands by the seas. Thankfully for me, the load I carried back was not much. Why, it was but a caravan full of gemstones and jewels of the eastern lands and more. I do believe there were a few swords thrown in there too, but for what reason and how, I do not know. I went into a tavern for drink, and left my caravan outside, just under the trees because you can't leave gemstones under heat in case they explo-HEAT, in case they heat up! Who would buy hot gems eh? Plus, the shade keeps shine! I ordered an ale, and quite honestly, the tavern stunk of fat men and drunken guards. Even in Luxidi then? Disappointing of the Beastkin, I'd say. But then again, you'd expect nothing more from men, human or not. Wretchedbeingsonlyknowhowtoabuseandtouchtittiesofallwomen BAH! NEVER AGAIN! *Ahem*, excuse me. Now, where was I? Right. I was sipping my ale. It tasted far better than those in Valeria. Didn't have that nasty bitter aftertaste. Halfway through my drinking, I began to hear whispering of some sort. At first I thought, "ah well, this place IS filthy anyhow, they must be rats," but then they became louder and louder. And then it escalated into a buzzing sound that included words like "Lightning...Ruins..." and then "Merchant...crook". "I must be losing my mind," I thought. Was the ale that strong? I looked up from the mug and I saw many (and by many I mean a significant amount) of men in leather clothing talking to one another. And I ask myself, when did the male race began to indulge in gossip? It then occurred to me that no one has talked to me yet, I mean LOOK AT ME! I was dressed better that day, except for the fact that I wasn't wearing a skirt... I was in loose pants and a vest. I look like Oswald. CURSES! Quickly, I finished my ale, and left the tavern immediately. What do I have to do to enjoy a stay at a city without having to run for my dear life? I took my caravan and ran off, quite quickly. It was at that moment in time when I began to regret for not investing in a horse or a camel, or donkey even. Ladies' legs are delicate little things, we shouldn't ever be made to run! I weaved through a number of alleys, the wider ones, mind you, because this stupid caravan wouldn't fit into the well hidden ones. I think I was running a fair distance because I could feel the sweat run down my back. Absolutely unacceptable. I'll make that idiot pay one day. Stupidmenandtheirstupidquestsformoneyandothers! GAH! THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING! Right then. Let's continue. I reached the back of an old book shop, I think, because I didn't exactly SEE it, I could smell old parchment and leather. Pardon? Why couldn't I see it? Ah yes, because I was blinded from behind by one of the nimble peacekeepers of Luxidi. He jumped onto my caravan from heaven knows where. The rest is the usual! I was tied first, because you know, I have a habit of using my blades in times like these, and they're fully aware of that. After that they took me to a lighted room somewhere in a building (They threw me in the dungeon once, I think I bit the ear off one of the guards that time). Interrogated. For three hours. That's the longest really, these Luxidi bunch are supposed to be smart. DID THEY NOT SEE MY TITTIES? I am obviously a woman, and obviously not Oswald! Talking about this makes my head hurt. I will end this here. Bye now darlings!